Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
