I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize