Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
