just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
