She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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