I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
my god I love twenty year old dicks
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
