hotel room ftw
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
