why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
