I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
