My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
