My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
