sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize