she looked like the before picture.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize