In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
