if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
