Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
