I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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