I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
