There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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