You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
