Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
