I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
