in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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