god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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