my sisters under your porch take her home
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
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