Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
