the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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