You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize