I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
