Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize