I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
