he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
