Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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