Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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