and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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