If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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