I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
