I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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