Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
