Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
