Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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