Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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