my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize