You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
