I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
