Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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