Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
