Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
