It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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