If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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