Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
