Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
