I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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